10 Zombie Myths as Decided by Me

Zombies, the Illumanti and a mysterious race of lizard overlords that rule our planet don’t exist.  Well at least we better hope they don’t exist. However, that doesn’t stop us from making up all sorts of crazy ass rules about what they could and couldn’t do.

So here are mine:

1. Zombies can have sex.

Yup, sex. The kind of thing that only normal people do. Zombie sex is just like real sex only with a lot more drooling and 5X the moaning than a Japanese porno.  I have no evidence of this other than the fact that a zombie is basically a human whose higher-cognitive processes have been totally obliterated.

While they might not be able to think and use abstract thought, you can bet their ass that their lower part of the brain is working. Our lower brainstorm area also known as the basal ganglia or our reptilian brain coordinate basic human functions like respiration,   basic emotions and sex.  So regardless of how deficient a zombie brain would be it would function at the most private level possible meaning one thing – sex, and lots of it. 

If you don’t believe me google “zombie sex”. See, I told you

2. Zombies can use weapons.

Not all but one or two badass zombies will be able to use weapons.  It’s just a matter of chance and biology. This is my take on it.  If whatever virus causes humans to become zombies becomes prevalent than surely there will be some variation or even weaker cases. While the virus will still be strong enough to zombify the victim’s brain, there might be a few cases where some cognitive function is still intact.

So basically a few people might still be cognitively present enough to be a zombie and also realize that weapons will help them eat more brains.  Think of these semi-smart zombies as a really dangerous mentally retarded person.  I hope that didn’t offend anyone.

3. Smashing a zombie’s head is a terrible fuckin idea.

Like maybe the worst idea you could possible think of. Ask yourself, how does a zombie affect you – by biting you.  The saliva carries active biological agents that, once in your body, wreck havoc. So what do you think smashing a zombie’s head will do?

If you guesses spray intense amounts of biological matter in a 360 degree proximity, you guessed correctly !!!

This shit will spray everywhere and some of it will probably end up in your eyeball, or nose, or if you’re lucky in your mouth.  If you think that the average person touches his mouth/face 3-5 times a minute than you know zombie bio matter on your hands is probably a terrible idea.

Maybe someone should invent zombie hand sanitizer.

4. Zombies don’t respect kung fu or any martial art.

In most zombie movies you see the hero or heroine kicking some serious zombie ass using some sweet hand-to-hand action moves. While a high kick might be impressive in a karate tournament, it’s a terrible ineffective attack for a man-eating zombie.  Think about the dynamics of kicking a zombie in the head.

The amount of energy required to lift your entire leg up and then accurately hit the zombie’s face.  The zombie’s entire mission is to get near you, not near your face or neck but anywhere where it can sink it’s teeth into you. By bringing your body to it’s face you’re defeating the entire purpose of defending yourself from these undead bastards.

If anything you want to create distance and all martial arts involve being in a close enough proximity to deliver strikes or blows. For this real, your martial arts will be useless.

Anyways that’s all I have to say about that.  You might disagree and if you do drop a comment below and tell my why I’m wrong and then I’ll tell you why I’m right.

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